Since the inception of this website Ive had increasing numbers of self-proclaimed AntiSoccermoms approach me with their stories. It is fantastic to meet like minded people and I would like to encourage you to tell your own story, if not on your own blog, than here on this one. Feel free to write me and let me know how you are being an AntiSoccermom.

 The 6 Steps to being an AntiSoccermom

6. Wear the badge of mommyhood with honor, ditch the mom-jeans. 

A combination of sleep deprivation and a lack of anything freedom-related led me to believe as a young mother it was okay to wear sweatpants to the store despite the breast-milk stains and baby puke. The ability to care for an ill-tempered tiny person overcame the ability to care for myself and I found that little would calm my tanking self-esteem like a good shopping spree and the occassional massage. Just because you are a mom, doesnt mean you have to look like one. Ditch the mom-jeans and spend a little time doing something you love. It makes you a happier, healthier and ultimately a more awesome mom.

5. Who Cares what they think?

If I had to choose to free climb Mt. Everest or spend half an hour with the moms from my kids PTA, I bet you can guess where I’d rather put my energy. Moms, especially in packs, can be an incredibley cruel and daunting experience to undertake and I avoid it at all costs. There is an ugly unspoken mob mentality between soccermoms and antisoccermoms, akin to the highschool cliques of cheerleader vs. drama geek. Much like highschool, the best thing to do is to ignore these condescending "super moms." They will sneer at everything from your choice of coffee to what your children are wearing, their homes are often spotless and their outfits spectacularly in style. They will have the latest hair styles and the nicest SUV’s but their husbands never make it to school functions and they are always flirting with the new PE teacher. Like Wyclef says, Dont believe the hype. There is no such thing as a perfect mom and you don’t have to try to be one. If you can’t shake off their negativity, do what I do and justify their perfection as a clear lack of sexual satisfaction in their lonely and desolate lives. It makes the drama easier to swallow, but Id still take that 8,850 meter trek through the icey wilderness.

4. Despite common practice, Let logic rule.

No one can see through bullshit faster than a pre-teen. Don’t believe me? Lie to a child and see how quickly they call you on it. Instead of sugar-coating this ugly world for your perfect little angel, why not introduce them to a little place called reality? They dont need to win every game of UNO to build their precious self-esteem, in fact, coddling them that way just results in an adult that no one can please. AntiSoccermoms raise their children with honesty. My kids know they get the real deal when they ask questions and because of that they aren’t standing with their little paws out waiting for their golden ticket in life. Be truthful with your kiddos, they know it when you aren’t.

3. So what if he’s acting like a child?

Everyone in the house takes turn acting like a two year old, even the two year old. Problem is, all kids want to grow up faster than they should. Why not allow them to actually retain their priceless sense of childhood wonderment? Embrace the mental age of your children and allow them to spread their little wings on their own time. Healthy relationships are built around experience, dont thwart your children by pressuring them in to the next age bracket. You will be grateful for the chance to slow time just a little and watch your kiddos blossom in front of you. Its all about realistic expectations and letting your kids be who they really are.

2.  Love your children, but not too much.

Ayelet Waldman got a truckload of flack for announcing to the world that she loves her husband more than she loves her children. First, let me say that I think this is healthy and a positive approach to parenting. Second, who cares what the haters say? Loving your children is easy, providing a stable home life is a bit more difficult. Kids should be pretty high on your list of priorities, maybe even third, but you should come before them and so should your spouse. Happy homes breed happy children. If you aren’t happy, your kids wont be so find the one that does it for you and cleave to them. It makes the screaming, crying and inevitable meltdowns so much easier to take when you have someone on your side.

1. Be you. Get yours. 

Here’s a secret. Your husband misses the person he married. Your friends miss the fun loving girl who looked like she gave a damn and let’s face it, You miss You, Right?

The first step to being an AntiSoccermom is to remember who you actually are. Kids are great and can lend an incredible amount of depth to your lifestyle, but its important to retain some sense of personal pride in yourself. Do the things that made you feel great before having kids, and keep doing them after those little monsters come around and suck up all your free time. In finance they tell you to pay yourself first, in parenting, get yours before they get theirs. It may sound cruel, and I know it sounds selfish, but it isnt as bad as you think. Happy moms have happy kids.

 

What do you think? Are you an Antisoccermom?

 

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

Men aren’t confusing, they are simple. Relationships are hard work but spending all your time over analyzing the minute details of it is just about as painful as your boss asking you to work through the night fifteen minutes before your shift ends. It will exhaust you and you won’t get anywhere putting in that much overtime. Listen up ladies, if you want to know how to win the love and adoration of your man, you got five options.

Feed Him

Start with the basics, right? We all gotta eat, and somebody has got to do the cooking. Now, make sure your man can fend for himself when necessary and that he is able to fully understand and execute the four steps it takes to make ramen to prevent starvation. Every man I know loves to eat, so preparing a meal just for them is always a bonus. Men like to eat messy food, so get in the kitchen and prepare to get covered up to your elbows in at least one type of barbecue sauce before the end of the evening. Meat, potatoes, bread. If he is vegetarian, send him home to his mothers for some umbilical adjustment. Bonus points for preparing said meal in his favorite team jersey.

Clothe Him

Men don’t respond well to drastic measures of change, this is why they freak whenever someone gets pregnant. Go Figure. Gentle easment from their college frat boy and into the land of appropriate style is appreciated by most men that I have met, even if they won’t admit it outright.  Buy your man one of those shirts you know you want to see crumpled up on the floor with your flavor of lipstick smeared all over the buttons, and tell him exactly why you bought it. These clueless neanderthals really need to know that despite our better judgement, we find them attractive. Dressing them up in something sexy will send them that message, just remember to rip it off of them at least once, for pavlovian’s sake. Don’t throw all his clothes out. At least not all at once, just take one or two of those ratty Jose Cuervo t-shirts down to the dumpster at a time and make sure it isn’t that one stupid piece he can’t live without; he’ll be none-the-wiser. Whatever guys, go ahead and act like you don’t want your wardrobe fixed, You may fool these other women but you aren’t fooling me.

Excite Him

Go ahead, make the call.

Do you know that tingly feeling you get when Ryan Gosselin swoops up that slutty girl from the notebook who can’t decide which guy to choose and carries her into the house to make passionate love to her on some cold wooden floor? Yeah, I get it too. But here’s the thing… Men don’t get excited by the same things that we do, girls. Although stretching your back while reading a book in just the right position may have them drooling at your feet, they really need more than just sex. No, really! Do something special for him and show him that it’s not just about the drama, the shopping, the whats-for-dinner-i-dunno-what-do-you-want-for-dinner dance. Dirty text messages, intriguing polaroids, out of the blue invitations for a midday rumble…. You know what I mean. I promise you this, start showing a little skin to him when he least expects it and he will eventually get the hint and swoop you in his arms to make passionate love to you on some cold wooden floor, just like that whore from The Notebook.

Interest Him

Think your man is all about sex? You are only partially right, men think about sex more than we do, but who can blame them? It’s fun, it’s health, but it isn’t everything. Sharing a passion between yourselves is as important as being physically compatible. It is easy to find something to DO, but if you are struggling to find something to talk about you got problems. The key to maintaining a healthy level of interest in your partner is to continue to grow. Growth is an indicator of health, with plants and animals alike. Relationships are no different. Take some classes, study something you are interested in, meet new people. Just get out of the house, away from each other and do something that will make your brain do some work, when you get back, talk about it. I bet 10-1 it turns him on.

See, it's not so bad.

Love Him

Sex is an important and vital part of a relationship, its the pulse of your intimacy and the lifeblood of your union. Yes, men want sex, but they also want to be loved. Growing up sucks, one of the things you have to learn is that people do not want to be loved how you want to be love. Sounds easy, right? Just figure out how he wants to be loved and do that, I am willing to bet he already does this for you by maintaining a constant flow of foot rubs and taking out the trash without being told 47 times. As a mother of three boys, whom I love with a strange possesiveness I’m sure will marr their early relationships, I can see how each one of them differs in their need for affection. All men want to be loved, to be thought of and to be care for. No nagging, no mothering and occasionally be willing to have sex on a wood floor.

Alright boys, lets hear it. How did I do?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.