Since the inception of this website Ive had increasing numbers of self-proclaimed AntiSoccermoms approach me with their stories. It is fantastic to meet like minded people and I would like to encourage you to tell your own story, if not on your own blog, than here on this one. Feel free to write me and let me know how you are being an AntiSoccermom.

 The 6 Steps to being an AntiSoccermom

6. Wear the badge of mommyhood with honor, ditch the mom-jeans. 

A combination of sleep deprivation and a lack of anything freedom-related led me to believe as a young mother it was okay to wear sweatpants to the store despite the breast-milk stains and baby puke. The ability to care for an ill-tempered tiny person overcame the ability to care for myself and I found that little would calm my tanking self-esteem like a good shopping spree and the occassional massage. Just because you are a mom, doesnt mean you have to look like one. Ditch the mom-jeans and spend a little time doing something you love. It makes you a happier, healthier and ultimately a more awesome mom.

5. Who Cares what they think?

If I had to choose to free climb Mt. Everest or spend half an hour with the moms from my kids PTA, I bet you can guess where I’d rather put my energy. Moms, especially in packs, can be an incredibley cruel and daunting experience to undertake and I avoid it at all costs. There is an ugly unspoken mob mentality between soccermoms and antisoccermoms, akin to the highschool cliques of cheerleader vs. drama geek. Much like highschool, the best thing to do is to ignore these condescending "super moms." They will sneer at everything from your choice of coffee to what your children are wearing, their homes are often spotless and their outfits spectacularly in style. They will have the latest hair styles and the nicest SUV’s but their husbands never make it to school functions and they are always flirting with the new PE teacher. Like Wyclef says, Dont believe the hype. There is no such thing as a perfect mom and you don’t have to try to be one. If you can’t shake off their negativity, do what I do and justify their perfection as a clear lack of sexual satisfaction in their lonely and desolate lives. It makes the drama easier to swallow, but Id still take that 8,850 meter trek through the icey wilderness.

4. Despite common practice, Let logic rule.

No one can see through bullshit faster than a pre-teen. Don’t believe me? Lie to a child and see how quickly they call you on it. Instead of sugar-coating this ugly world for your perfect little angel, why not introduce them to a little place called reality? They dont need to win every game of UNO to build their precious self-esteem, in fact, coddling them that way just results in an adult that no one can please. AntiSoccermoms raise their children with honesty. My kids know they get the real deal when they ask questions and because of that they aren’t standing with their little paws out waiting for their golden ticket in life. Be truthful with your kiddos, they know it when you aren’t.

3. So what if he’s acting like a child?

Everyone in the house takes turn acting like a two year old, even the two year old. Problem is, all kids want to grow up faster than they should. Why not allow them to actually retain their priceless sense of childhood wonderment? Embrace the mental age of your children and allow them to spread their little wings on their own time. Healthy relationships are built around experience, dont thwart your children by pressuring them in to the next age bracket. You will be grateful for the chance to slow time just a little and watch your kiddos blossom in front of you. Its all about realistic expectations and letting your kids be who they really are.

2.  Love your children, but not too much.

Ayelet Waldman got a truckload of flack for announcing to the world that she loves her husband more than she loves her children. First, let me say that I think this is healthy and a positive approach to parenting. Second, who cares what the haters say? Loving your children is easy, providing a stable home life is a bit more difficult. Kids should be pretty high on your list of priorities, maybe even third, but you should come before them and so should your spouse. Happy homes breed happy children. If you aren’t happy, your kids wont be so find the one that does it for you and cleave to them. It makes the screaming, crying and inevitable meltdowns so much easier to take when you have someone on your side.

1. Be you. Get yours. 

Here’s a secret. Your husband misses the person he married. Your friends miss the fun loving girl who looked like she gave a damn and let’s face it, You miss You, Right?

The first step to being an AntiSoccermom is to remember who you actually are. Kids are great and can lend an incredible amount of depth to your lifestyle, but its important to retain some sense of personal pride in yourself. Do the things that made you feel great before having kids, and keep doing them after those little monsters come around and suck up all your free time. In finance they tell you to pay yourself first, in parenting, get yours before they get theirs. It may sound cruel, and I know it sounds selfish, but it isnt as bad as you think. Happy moms have happy kids.

 

What do you think? Are you an Antisoccermom?

 

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

There they are surrounded by family and friends, surrounded by television cameras and MTV producers.  This day was special, if you couldn’t tell that by the fifty ad campaigns that the tabloids are blabbinb about it. Expect to run the course of several different emotions during this amazing time, this special day, this monumentous occasion. The police officers holding back the papparazzi in front of the church left everyone with a sense of relief. Thank goodness so many people are so interested in this wedding. This should be good for at least 3 maybe 4 spinoff shows. Spencer, the creepy flesh colored beard star of “The Hills”  weds his perfect mate, an air-headed blonde bimbo named Heidi. They commence their perfect union while she was wearing  a trashy version of Madonna’s like a virgin get up. Neither of them appear to know what a marriage entails, or what might happen the next morning.  For Spencer and Heide’s sake. Here is a list of the things that having a pretty wedding can’t change.

Things a wedding doesn’t change for Spencer and Heidi

You don’t have the luxury of changing your  mind. Your 15 minutes of fame lasted a little longer than we all thought it would, but its over. Marriage is final. This is your Curtain Call. Spencer’s beard will not suddenly grow fuller and more masculine. He will remain a rambling moron with anger management issues and an overextended sense of entitlement. Marriage is final, so long as you don’t believe in divorce. If you do, marriage is a quiet way to prolong the inevitable raping of your bank account. You will regret getting married on MTV, mark my words. Heidi will always be dense. It is difficult when you have neither book smarts, nor street smarts. Give the gal a break. Watching Sasha Baron Cohen sexually harass Eminem was far more entertaining than your wedding, far more entertaining than your reception, far more entertaining than your subsequent 3 “making of the speidi’s wedding” shows and FAR MORE entertaining than the entire run of “The Hills.” You don’t need to wear protection from the swine flu anymore, but you should protect yourself from contaminating the rest of the population from whatever it is that is so clearly eating your brain. DIAF. Nothing you ever say or do will amount to anything more than being a pair of media whores. I can’t wait to see what little monsters you two can create together, but for the childrens sake, please get yourself a British no-bullshit nanny or refrain from having sex until both of your vaginas can be sterilized. Marriage is about commitment, honesty, trust, and finding the ability to love your partner despite their flaws. You have quite an uphill battle to climb, to overcome those gigantic obstacles. You may think that tipping off the paps by telling them where you are going to be has solidified your fame and relevancy, but let me invite you to the inside joke. When you see people laughing, its because everyone hates you. I shouldnt say everyone. Im sure alot of people really like what you do and that you can’t do anything else with your life but sit on MTV “reality” shows. Of course, the people that like you are probably 13. And retarded. but who am I to judge?

What would you like to say to the happy couple?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.