If you don’t know the rules by now, you may be pissing off your circle of smoking friends. The rules of smoking marijuana while sitting in a circle of all your favorite people have been finely tuned over thousands of years. Marijuana smokers may be laid back, but check this list of the common mistakes rookies make when smoking.  NORML has given us the Principals of Responsible Cannabis Use which outlines the steps you need to take to be safe when using marijuana. Now, AntiSoccermom gives you:

The Principles of Smoking Pot.

Let’s look at the big picture here, the karmic experience of sitting in a circle with all of the people you clearly connect with. Note the low level of tension, the idle smoke hanging dense in the air, the music playing softly in the background. Marijuana is often a religious experience and sharing it with your closest friends and family can be great, unless you do something stupid and ruin the vibes. Now even I am starting to sound like a hippy! Let’s Discuss.

Clean Your Pipes!

If you find yourself searching for a clean pipe at the bottom of a drawer full of gunked up reserves, perhaps its time to just break out the alcohol. That’s right, I’d never recommend you to drink alcohol of any type, but it does work great on dirty pipes and your guests will thank you for it! Also, change the bong water. There is nothing more revolting than nasty, scummy, stinky bong water. Don’t clean it and I bet it somehow gets “accidentally” spilled onto the floor. Good luck getting the smell out!

No Camping!

Marijuana can make even the most soft-spoken of us start spouting off our foolproof plan to “free the weed” that no one else has ever thought of before, but do it too much and you get labeled a camper. “Camping” on a bowl, or holding on to the joint and talking on and on about “some guy you know”  or the best Elton John lyrics, while everyone is eye-balling the precious marijuana smoke wafting above your waving hands….is an utter fail. It has happened to the best of us, but try to watch it. And no dude, thats totally an original idea.

Puff-Puff-Pass.

Joints and blunts, the mecca of every weed smoker’s dreams have their own set of rules, with these precious commodities you must always take two hits and pass it, while smoking out of a pipe you need only take one. Rules seem to vary by region in this section, so my advice would be to always ask what the rules are for your circle. With bongs, pipes, vapes, and knifers, you want to hit it once and share the love to-the-left-hand-side.

Bring it.

You don’t really want to be the guy that shows up to a smoking circle without any herb, I’ve been there and it ain’t pretty. Stoners might not call you out directly, but I bet you don’t get invited back to any blunt parties. When it comes down to it, its rude. Take turns loading up the bowl and always offer greens to the person who got the worst of the last bowl. But showing up empty handed and begging to get smoked out? Don’t do it. Bring your own to share or don’t smoke anyone elses!

Pass the Dutchie.

To the left hand side. Did you get that? It means that you pass to your left, no….your other left…. sheesh. Smokers like to see things coming and one of the most reliable things we foresee is that someone is going to be handing us something awesome, from the right. Dont screw up the rotation and if you need to remind yourself, just sing this little tune.

Share it.

Cannabis is a life-giving medicine, don’t you want to share that with the lovely people that care for your plants and help keep you as healthy and capable as you are today? Smoke up your caregiver, ya know, if it is a responsible and safe area. Smoke  up your patient-friends any time that you can, we all have dry spells and we all need those free tokes in between. I’ve found that its best to keep your karma cup pretty full on this one, you never know when the favor will be returned!

So that’s it folks. Or is it? What rules of smoking do you use in your favorite circle?

© 2009 – 2010, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

Since the inception of this website Ive had increasing numbers of self-proclaimed AntiSoccermoms approach me with their stories. It is fantastic to meet like minded people and I would like to encourage you to tell your own story, if not on your own blog, than here on this one. Feel free to write me and let me know how you are being an AntiSoccermom.

 The 6 Steps to being an AntiSoccermom

6. Wear the badge of mommyhood with honor, ditch the mom-jeans. 

A combination of sleep deprivation and a lack of anything freedom-related led me to believe as a young mother it was okay to wear sweatpants to the store despite the breast-milk stains and baby puke. The ability to care for an ill-tempered tiny person overcame the ability to care for myself and I found that little would calm my tanking self-esteem like a good shopping spree and the occassional massage. Just because you are a mom, doesnt mean you have to look like one. Ditch the mom-jeans and spend a little time doing something you love. It makes you a happier, healthier and ultimately a more awesome mom.

5. Who Cares what they think?

If I had to choose to free climb Mt. Everest or spend half an hour with the moms from my kids PTA, I bet you can guess where I’d rather put my energy. Moms, especially in packs, can be an incredibley cruel and daunting experience to undertake and I avoid it at all costs. There is an ugly unspoken mob mentality between soccermoms and antisoccermoms, akin to the highschool cliques of cheerleader vs. drama geek. Much like highschool, the best thing to do is to ignore these condescending "super moms." They will sneer at everything from your choice of coffee to what your children are wearing, their homes are often spotless and their outfits spectacularly in style. They will have the latest hair styles and the nicest SUV’s but their husbands never make it to school functions and they are always flirting with the new PE teacher. Like Wyclef says, Dont believe the hype. There is no such thing as a perfect mom and you don’t have to try to be one. If you can’t shake off their negativity, do what I do and justify their perfection as a clear lack of sexual satisfaction in their lonely and desolate lives. It makes the drama easier to swallow, but Id still take that 8,850 meter trek through the icey wilderness.

4. Despite common practice, Let logic rule.

No one can see through bullshit faster than a pre-teen. Don’t believe me? Lie to a child and see how quickly they call you on it. Instead of sugar-coating this ugly world for your perfect little angel, why not introduce them to a little place called reality? They dont need to win every game of UNO to build their precious self-esteem, in fact, coddling them that way just results in an adult that no one can please. AntiSoccermoms raise their children with honesty. My kids know they get the real deal when they ask questions and because of that they aren’t standing with their little paws out waiting for their golden ticket in life. Be truthful with your kiddos, they know it when you aren’t.

3. So what if he’s acting like a child?

Everyone in the house takes turn acting like a two year old, even the two year old. Problem is, all kids want to grow up faster than they should. Why not allow them to actually retain their priceless sense of childhood wonderment? Embrace the mental age of your children and allow them to spread their little wings on their own time. Healthy relationships are built around experience, dont thwart your children by pressuring them in to the next age bracket. You will be grateful for the chance to slow time just a little and watch your kiddos blossom in front of you. Its all about realistic expectations and letting your kids be who they really are.

2.  Love your children, but not too much.

Ayelet Waldman got a truckload of flack for announcing to the world that she loves her husband more than she loves her children. First, let me say that I think this is healthy and a positive approach to parenting. Second, who cares what the haters say? Loving your children is easy, providing a stable home life is a bit more difficult. Kids should be pretty high on your list of priorities, maybe even third, but you should come before them and so should your spouse. Happy homes breed happy children. If you aren’t happy, your kids wont be so find the one that does it for you and cleave to them. It makes the screaming, crying and inevitable meltdowns so much easier to take when you have someone on your side.

1. Be you. Get yours. 

Here’s a secret. Your husband misses the person he married. Your friends miss the fun loving girl who looked like she gave a damn and let’s face it, You miss You, Right?

The first step to being an AntiSoccermom is to remember who you actually are. Kids are great and can lend an incredible amount of depth to your lifestyle, but its important to retain some sense of personal pride in yourself. Do the things that made you feel great before having kids, and keep doing them after those little monsters come around and suck up all your free time. In finance they tell you to pay yourself first, in parenting, get yours before they get theirs. It may sound cruel, and I know it sounds selfish, but it isnt as bad as you think. Happy moms have happy kids.

 

What do you think? Are you an Antisoccermom?

 

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.