Men aren’t confusing, they are simple. Relationships are hard work but spending all your time over analyzing the minute details of it is just about as painful as your boss asking you to work through the night fifteen minutes before your shift ends. It will exhaust you and you won’t get anywhere putting in that much overtime. Listen up ladies, if you want to know how to win the love and adoration of your man, you got five options.

Feed Him

Start with the basics, right? We all gotta eat, and somebody has got to do the cooking. Now, make sure your man can fend for himself when necessary and that he is able to fully understand and execute the four steps it takes to make ramen to prevent starvation. Every man I know loves to eat, so preparing a meal just for them is always a bonus. Men like to eat messy food, so get in the kitchen and prepare to get covered up to your elbows in at least one type of barbecue sauce before the end of the evening. Meat, potatoes, bread. If he is vegetarian, send him home to his mothers for some umbilical adjustment. Bonus points for preparing said meal in his favorite team jersey.

Clothe Him

Men don’t respond well to drastic measures of change, this is why they freak whenever someone gets pregnant. Go Figure. Gentle easment from their college frat boy and into the land of appropriate style is appreciated by most men that I have met, even if they won’t admit it outright.  Buy your man one of those shirts you know you want to see crumpled up on the floor with your flavor of lipstick smeared all over the buttons, and tell him exactly why you bought it. These clueless neanderthals really need to know that despite our better judgement, we find them attractive. Dressing them up in something sexy will send them that message, just remember to rip it off of them at least once, for pavlovian’s sake. Don’t throw all his clothes out. At least not all at once, just take one or two of those ratty Jose Cuervo t-shirts down to the dumpster at a time and make sure it isn’t that one stupid piece he can’t live without; he’ll be none-the-wiser. Whatever guys, go ahead and act like you don’t want your wardrobe fixed, You may fool these other women but you aren’t fooling me.

Excite Him

Go ahead, make the call.

Do you know that tingly feeling you get when Ryan Gosselin swoops up that slutty girl from the notebook who can’t decide which guy to choose and carries her into the house to make passionate love to her on some cold wooden floor? Yeah, I get it too. But here’s the thing… Men don’t get excited by the same things that we do, girls. Although stretching your back while reading a book in just the right position may have them drooling at your feet, they really need more than just sex. No, really! Do something special for him and show him that it’s not just about the drama, the shopping, the whats-for-dinner-i-dunno-what-do-you-want-for-dinner dance. Dirty text messages, intriguing polaroids, out of the blue invitations for a midday rumble…. You know what I mean. I promise you this, start showing a little skin to him when he least expects it and he will eventually get the hint and swoop you in his arms to make passionate love to you on some cold wooden floor, just like that whore from The Notebook.

Interest Him

Think your man is all about sex? You are only partially right, men think about sex more than we do, but who can blame them? It’s fun, it’s health, but it isn’t everything. Sharing a passion between yourselves is as important as being physically compatible. It is easy to find something to DO, but if you are struggling to find something to talk about you got problems. The key to maintaining a healthy level of interest in your partner is to continue to grow. Growth is an indicator of health, with plants and animals alike. Relationships are no different. Take some classes, study something you are interested in, meet new people. Just get out of the house, away from each other and do something that will make your brain do some work, when you get back, talk about it. I bet 10-1 it turns him on.

See, it's not so bad.

Love Him

Sex is an important and vital part of a relationship, its the pulse of your intimacy and the lifeblood of your union. Yes, men want sex, but they also want to be loved. Growing up sucks, one of the things you have to learn is that people do not want to be loved how you want to be love. Sounds easy, right? Just figure out how he wants to be loved and do that, I am willing to bet he already does this for you by maintaining a constant flow of foot rubs and taking out the trash without being told 47 times. As a mother of three boys, whom I love with a strange possesiveness I’m sure will marr their early relationships, I can see how each one of them differs in their need for affection. All men want to be loved, to be thought of and to be care for. No nagging, no mothering and occasionally be willing to have sex on a wood floor.

Alright boys, lets hear it. How did I do?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

The days of faking a headache to get out of sex are over, and the days of engaging in healthy sexual activity have been patiently waiting in anticipation for the moral majority to accept the cold hard facts. Sex is fun and believe it or not it has a ton of other health benefits. Let’s explore.

Sex makes you sexy.

I understand how you want to avoid getting sweaty and sometimes its just too damn late, but look at it this way, having sex releases a double dose of the good stuff. Your hormones start working overtime giving your skin a lovely flush, your hair an awesome shine and strength to your fingernails. If you look sexy, you feel sexy.

Sex makes you healthy.

I try to work out in some way every day, but in case I can’t make it to the gym, I can always use the tools I have at home.  Sex ups your heart rate almost immediately and rolling around in the sheets is a hell of a lot more entertaining than sweating it out in the yoga studio. Cardiovascular benefits aside, you are also toning those muscles that need it most and burning calories faster than a Bernie Madoff can burn through your trust fund. If you feel sexy, you are going to look sexy too.

Sex makes you hot.

During naughty time, your body releases pheremones that attract potential suitors like horny little moths to the proverbial flame. For the very same reason we spritz on the perfume, your body actually creates it’s very own love potion number 9, only this one is virtually undetectable by the untrained nose. The more sex you have, the more sex you will be asked to have because of these fun-filled scents. Let’s face it so long as it isn’t uncle tom again, everyone likes being politely oggled.

Sex makes you comfortable.

Sex shouldn’t ever hurt unless that is what you are looking for and there is leather, a very specific safeword,  and a trustworthy partner involved.  Every day lovin’ without the whips and chains will actually help you more than anything and those headaches you keep faking to get out of it can be cured with just a few thrusts. Sex will dialate the blood vessels in your noggin’ releasing the pressure that makes the head ache.  Try it next time you have one of those killer migraines, get down and dirty and I bet through the huffing and puffing you forget your head hurt at all. I do it for the fun of it, I do it for the health benefits, I do it because I have a headache.I do it when my feet are cold or my nose is runny (sex can act like an antihistamine!) and I do it to cure the worst ailment of all…. Boredom.

What’s your favorite excuse to have sex?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.