Let’s face it, Insults are fun. More often than not the imagery an insult portrays is better than the look on the face of the person on the receiving end. While it is important to act maturely, and keep your snide comments and snarky quips to the bare minimum, the truth is that some people need to be knocked down a notch once in a great while. When you become a blogger, you do one of two things. You either learn to embrace the insults thrown your way and find some sort of constructive criticism in them, or you freak out over everything and your blog turns to crap.

Sometimes the low blow IS necessary.

Blogging warps people’s brains, and turns a relatively normal human being into a glob of paranoid, self-consumed goo. While some bloggers are living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum and that their brain has the mental agility of a soap dish, other bloggers are spending their time learning the tricks to successfully insult them. When insulting someone that you really don’t care for, always take the high ground, Cross your arms, roll your eyes, and basically do anything your momma would slap you for. Nothing is more infuriating than someone who laughs at you when you are serious, so laugh at your target. Moral superiority is bogus, but if you can act like you believe it, you will win. People get red hot, right quick when confronted with someone who thinks they are better than them. Take a moment to think of the last time you argued with someone. To really frustrate someone go ahead and feel superior, even if its totally fake.

Keep it short. Short insults are better insults, plain and simple. Draw it out and your opponent may get glassy eyed. A simple up-front verbal kick to the nads is all it takes. Remind them you know what you are doing. Speak Clearly. Do not curse, the moment you use a curse word, you have lost all credibility. This is especially true when debating anything serious, religion, politics, and of course baby-makin. Cursing is a very lazy way to speak, and while I insist that curse words have their time and place, it shouldn’t be while insulting someone. Insults are a time to display your vast vocabulary,  dwarfing the other person if possible.

Pick your argument. Stick to it. Even when you are wrong, it’s best to just keep treading water. Commitment is a sign of confidence, even if it is artificial.

Hit em where it hurts. Is it that pretty girl who keeps picking on you, the one you know has the subterranean self esteem? Go for the weak spots, and throw what you know. If someone shows weakness, they are asking to be defeated. Take it, it’s yours. Hot heads lose battles. Whatever you do, whatever you do in a fight, DO NOT get pissed. The minute you lose your cool, your opponent wins. Getting emotional over an insult is ridiculous, step back and think about where you will be in five years, is this something that you are going to remember, or are you whining about your girlfriend borrowing your favorite sweater, again? If you are REALLY ready to unleash the beast, then go for it. But make sure you are really ready. There ya go, some pointers to help you be a professional insult artist.

• You have a mind like a steel trap, anything that gets inside is crushed and mangled.
• You have the personality of a snail on valium.
• You are impervious to brain damage.
• Yo momma’s so fat Her blood type is Ragu.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, You are in the toy department.

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