Let’s face it, Insults are fun. More often than not the imagery an insult portrays is better than the look on the face of the person on the receiving end. While it is important to act maturely, and keep your snide comments and snarky quips to the bare minimum, the truth is that some people need to be knocked down a notch once in a great while. When you become a blogger, you do one of two things. You either learn to embrace the insults thrown your way and find some sort of constructive criticism in them, or you freak out over everything and your blog turns to crap.

Sometimes the low blow IS necessary.

Blogging warps people’s brains, and turns a relatively normal human being into a glob of paranoid, self-consumed goo. While some bloggers are living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum and that their brain has the mental agility of a soap dish, other bloggers are spending their time learning the tricks to successfully insult them. When insulting someone that you really don’t care for, always take the high ground, Cross your arms, roll your eyes, and basically do anything your momma would slap you for. Nothing is more infuriating than someone who laughs at you when you are serious, so laugh at your target. Moral superiority is bogus, but if you can act like you believe it, you will win. People get red hot, right quick when confronted with someone who thinks they are better than them. Take a moment to think of the last time you argued with someone. To really frustrate someone go ahead and feel superior, even if its totally fake.

Keep it short. Short insults are better insults, plain and simple. Draw it out and your opponent may get glassy eyed. A simple up-front verbal kick to the nads is all it takes. Remind them you know what you are doing. Speak Clearly. Do not curse, the moment you use a curse word, you have lost all credibility. This is especially true when debating anything serious, religion, politics, and of course baby-makin. Cursing is a very lazy way to speak, and while I insist that curse words have their time and place, it shouldn’t be while insulting someone. Insults are a time to display your vast vocabulary,  dwarfing the other person if possible.

Pick your argument. Stick to it. Even when you are wrong, it’s best to just keep treading water. Commitment is a sign of confidence, even if it is artificial.

Hit em where it hurts. Is it that pretty girl who keeps picking on you, the one you know has the subterranean self esteem? Go for the weak spots, and throw what you know. If someone shows weakness, they are asking to be defeated. Take it, it’s yours. Hot heads lose battles. Whatever you do, whatever you do in a fight, DO NOT get pissed. The minute you lose your cool, your opponent wins. Getting emotional over an insult is ridiculous, step back and think about where you will be in five years, is this something that you are going to remember, or are you whining about your girlfriend borrowing your favorite sweater, again? If you are REALLY ready to unleash the beast, then go for it. But make sure you are really ready. There ya go, some pointers to help you be a professional insult artist.

• You have a mind like a steel trap, anything that gets inside is crushed and mangled.
• You have the personality of a snail on valium.
• You are impervious to brain damage.
• Yo momma’s so fat Her blood type is Ragu.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, You are in the toy department.

Now Go! You can subscribe to my RSS feed and see me right in your email box, Also visit HERE to read my feed.

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

Ingird Newkirks is nuts, certifiably nuts. The standing President of PETA has issued her Last will and Testament offering her body as an “example to animal abusers.” Why is PETA so crazy? Because Newkirk is running it. You can read the actual Will and Testament HERE, but I have abridged the crazier sections for you below. I believe that PETA is an organization that is horribley out of touch with reality, and I believe that they base their stunts and policies around violence and hate. The fact that they donated $1,500 to ELF is just an example of how they support violence, and even promote it. Elf is the largest and most active Terrorist group in America, by the way, funded by none other than this crazy nutbag. PETA’s has some good ideas about how to treat animals, sure, Dont wear fur, it isnt nice and we certainly have an alternative to butchering animals. Stop clubbing baby seals and stop turning gators into handbags. I get all that. What I am failing to understand, call me old fashioned, is how spreading around her remains in a gory and sadistic fashion is going to help this process. I appreciate the fact that she is trying to make a change, but doing so with her body parts is silly, and inappropriate. Besides, Who is going to be the one to cut her up, cook her, and then feed her to someone while dishing out a lecture on why meat is bad? Is it going to be you?

The Last Will and Testament of Ingrid Newkirk.

a. That the “meat” of my body, or a portion thereof, be used for a human barbecue, to remind the world that the meat of a corpse is all flesh, regardless of whether it comes from a human being or another animal, and that flesh foods are not needed.

I think this is condoning cannibilism, isnt it? I mean, what if this human barbecue is really great and I start craving it? I do like red meat.

b. That my skin, or a portion thereof, be removed and made into leather products, such as purses, to remind the world that human skin and the skin of other animals is the same and that neither is “fabric” nor needed.

Ingrid Newkirks newest fashion line, I get it. Good thing I don’t carry a purse.

c. my feet be removed and umbrella stands or other ornamentation be made from them, as a reminder of the depravity of killing innocent animals, such as elephants, in order that we might use their body parts for household items and decorations;

Get over yourself, feet are disgusting. Perhaps you could make a nice pair of slippers for a niece or something?

d.That one of my eyes be removed, mounted, and delivered to the administrator of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency as a reminder that PETA will continue to be watching the agency until it stops poisoning and torturing animals.

Who are you asking to do this job? Can we gift wrap it, or perhaps have your eyeball shoot out of a Jack in the box?

e. That my pointing finger be delivered to Kenneth Feld, owner of Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, or to a circus museum to stand as the “Greatest Accusation on Earth” on behalf of the countless elephants, lions, tigers, bears, and other animals who have been kidnapped from their families and removed from their homelands

I bet he makes a killing selling it on E-bay.

f. That my liver be vacuum-packed and shipped, in whole or in part, to France, to there be used in a public appeal to persuade shoppers not to support the vile practice of force-feeding geese and ducks for foie gras

Foie Gras (Duck liver, for those that don’t know) is disgusting. At least donate your liver to some poor college kid who will need it after finals.

g. That one of my ears be removed, mounted, and sent to the Canadian Parliament to assist them in hearing, for the first time perhaps, the screams of the seals, bears, raccoons, foxes, and minks bludgeoned, trapped, and sometimes skinned alive for their pelts.

I think you are confused about the functionality of Ears. They need to be attached to a head to be able to hear. Why not send them an audio-tape, or perhaps a youtube video?

h. That one of my thumbs be removed, mounted upwards on a plaque, and sent to the person or institution that, in the year of my death or thereabouts, PETA decides has done the most to promote alternatives to the use and abuse of animals in any area of their exploitation

Please video tape whoever is taking this to the plaque making place. I can only imagine the person’s face. Can we sent the other thumb to that Ebert guy? Then he could give THREE thumbs up, when he really enjoys a film.

i. That one of my thumbs be mounted in a downward position and sent to the person or institution that, in the year of my death or thereabouts, has gone against the changing tide of societal opinion and frightened and hurt animals in some egregious manner

Be more specific, there are alot of people that do alot of sick things to animals. And you don’t have that many thumbs.

j. That a little part of my heart be buried near the racetrack at Hockenheim, preferably near the Ferrari pits, where Michael Shumacher raced in and won the German Grand Prix I dont know what this is about, because it isn’t as freaking weird as the other things. Personally, I want to have my ashes turned into a diamond, rather than spend eternity mixed in with Horsepiss at the racetrack, but I don’t judge. You can’t judge a crazy person.

What do you think about Ingrid’s Will?

What do you want your family to do with your body when you die?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.