Dear AntiSoccermom-

You talk about your kids all the time, but you never really talk about the struggle of having a toddler. My daughter is 26 months old and gets into everything. She just started pinching her sister and pulling on the dogs tail. Do you have any tips to help those other moms who stay at home with their kids?

-Clueless

Dear Clueless- I admit that it crossed my mind a time or two to stick my screaming infant into his carseat, drive to the local hospital, and return him to the bastards that brought him in to my life. If you are pushing your newborn to roll over, sit up and get moving, you will eventually be pleading with the kid to just.sit.still.for.one.tiny.second. In 1806 when they came upon the drug, it was common to administer morphine to children suffering through the frustrating years between 2 and 4, when brain development often surpassed their hand-eye coordination and melt-downs flourished. Morphine was given in order to sedate these children and they started dying in droves, bringing about the term “Terrible Two’s.” Now the term refers directly to the symptoms of being a toddler, instead of the repercussions of drugging your kids, which I can’t condone even if I eye the bottle of nyquil suspiciously every time one of them comes up with an ear infection. Hey, we all have weak moments. Listen, There are as many screwed up behaviours as there are children, and no matter how adorable and perfect they may seem, you will eventually see the evil bubble to the surface and those horns will pop out. Imagine yourself for a moment stuck in a body that was much too big than you remember, with fingers and toes that appear to move on their own accord and a vocabulary of only garble-glabble. Toddlers are frustrated and frustrating, but let me help.

1. Be Clear

Every toddler that I have met has been very poor at deciphering mixed messages so be as precise as you can be. Explain to your toddler in a clear voice, “Hitting is not okay, We do not hit each other.” Outline your expectations for your child and ensure they adhere to them, or deal with the family consequences, whatever they may be. “We are going to dinner, you are expected to be good until we are done eating, then we will play out side.” Give clear instructions that show your toddler you intend on making this as pleasant as possible on everyone. It is no secret that we all function better when we clearly understand our objectives, yes, even your pea-spitting nose-picker.

2.Be Calm

Remembering back on my childhood I have several very clear memories about my mother. Most of them end with her voice shaking, her face beet red, holding yet another D report card. It makes goose bumps rise on my arms, even now. Losing your cool on your kid is going to stick with them, and we all lose respect for the people who can’t control their emotional outbursts. Children are little people, who see their world in black and white terms. This explains why two toddlers can get into a boxing match over one pretzel, out of an entire bag of them. Even when your child is screaming that you ruined their life while in line at the store, a sea of concerned soccermoms* staring you down from behind their US Weekly’s, keep your cool. Losing it will not fix anything, it will only make it worse.

3. Be Crazy

So your little one is doing the whole head flailing thing, threatening to give himself a good case of shaken baby? Any parent of a toddler knows this move well, when they don’t get their way, a toddler will rear back and bulldoze their head into anything within reach and eventually backwards into what you can only hope will be a surface that won’t crush their skull in. This is especially effective for them in the case of leaving the playground, since almost everything is skull-crushingly dangerous. Its hard to wrestle someone (only)half my size with twice my will to stay in the park until the next ice age, I must use more than mere brute or I may lose altogether. The only thing you can do in these situations is go crazy. Toddlers don’t expect their parents to suddenly scoop them up and  play airplane while singing “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner… That is what I really wanna be….” you get the idea. Do the unexpected, get your toddler back down to earth by the power of distraction. Sing, Dance, Make faces your mother told you not to. Change the pace, change the scenery and you will change the attitude. I hope these tips help you with your little one, I am crossing my fingers for you! Best Regards, AntiSoccermom * If you are one of these leering judgemental soccermom’s, Shame on you. It is this kind of pre-packaged Mommy of the Year Barbie mentality we at AntiSoccermom.com refuse to live by. So what if my kid is screaming at you, Drink your Starbucks and shut your mouth.

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

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