I cruised the internets today in search of amusing movies I hadn’t yet seen before rushing off to the video store in order to find something to watch. You  know, that video store by the bay? Yeah, that one. Today I ran across a site claiming the top ten funny movies of the year. Sigh. I should have known better when I saw that Paul Blart, Mall Cop had made the list, but instead of giving in to the insistent urging in the back of my brain, I decided to give the movie a good old-fashioned college try. I spent two hours watching this film and when it never did take that turn to relevant city and insisted on staying the course all the way to coma-town, I had to come and tell you about it. As I sat down to write my scathing review of this pointless and drab film, I noted that I still was sunburnt from a decidedly lengthy afternoon in the sun, followed by a foolish 12 minutes under the lights of a tanning bed. My Irish heritage did not bless me with any extra pigment and in order to participate in summer time activities, I’d better get a tan before I turn into burnt toast and spend the first half of the summer nursing a second degree sunburn. This is a whole lot less glamorous than it sounds. I understand the pros and cons of tanning and generally spend two or three short sessions under the lights. Yes, I know it may give me cancer but I am willing to take the risk in order to prevent another “burning of 2004″ (may a large portion of my skin, RIP.) So when I reached for my computer and felt the tightening of the skin all over my body in tense awareness of how truly scalded I had made myself, it hit me. I couldn’t write a post solely devoted to Paul Blart, I had to thoroughly explain my discomfort the only way I know how. While a sun burn that covers every inch of my body, and I do mean every inch……. is painful, excruciating at times, It wasn’t nearly as painful as Paul Blart, Mall Cop. The movie that makes me wish I were blind, and deaf. The movie that made me embarrassed to be a humor writer, the movie that made me wish you could refund FREE. Instead of writing a review of this movie I will leave you with one parting thought. If I could choose to bear the pain of a horrible sunburn on my most private of parts, or watch Paul blart, Mall Cop again……. I just have to say that the pain of this sunburn will go away much faster than the pain of Kevin James as a bumbling mall cop/single dad schmuck on a mission to save a girl who doesn’t even like him from evil 14 year old mall terrorists. But you know, if you like that sort of thing, this movie is totally for you.

Now be honest, did you watch it?

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