Dear Douchebag in Condo 2, Listen, Ive been at this condo for about 18 months now. My family owns this condo, and I dont intend on leaving anytime soon. So here we have ourselves in a bit of a dilemmatic situation. A predicament, if you will. According to the HOA, you are one lucky SOB since your dad owns that place, and you are the one structure in this neighborhood that is allowed to have college aged kids living with you. We have been neighbors for 18 months and you have never introduced yourself, though we share very intimately, an entire wall of our house with yours. I have waved at you, but it seems that there is always some college kid who looks like a scared prostitute leaving your house early those saturday mornings you catch me outside playing with my children. I have never once complained about the beer smell wafting from your porch onto mine, and didnt even bat an eyelash when at nine months pregnant I had one of your idiot friends jump onto my roof and then onto my deck outside my master bedroom where I was sitting watching television. Tell Ryan I said hello, and next time to please knock and come through the front door if he would like to tell me anymore stories I dont care to listen to. First, when you see me outside on those saturday mornings after your big parties, and Im holding an infant and chasing two kids on scooters or rollerblades, or bikes or whatever? Those bags under my eyes are not because of my children, they sleep like rocks every night. The bags under my eyes are from the blaring music you have started playing on an almost nightly basis. First, you have no taste. If you were to put on some Pac or Biggie, or Joseph Isreal, Bob Marley, it would be a different story. Those beats would calmly pulse me to sleep, while whatever indian guitar drum banging hippy bullshit you are listening to over there is keeping me, and my one year old awake, day and night. Here is the deal and no, I do not negotiate with terrorists, so STFU and listen. One. You will stop playing that god damn music at a level so loud it wakes up, and/or bothers me and my family. Two. You will kindly ask your friends to not vomit over our fence. Three. You will respect all HOA rules and regulations, including jumping onto your roof and into my bedroom. Not cool. Four. You will do this without me ever having to come over and knock on your door again. Five. You will learn to be polite, and wave when someone waves at you. In Lieu of these five simple things you are going to do for me, Im going to do ONE HUGE thing for you. Im NOT going to call the cops everytime you have your music at an audible level. As tempting as it is, I will refrain from calling the cops during your stupid parties, and when you invite the whoremobile to invade my community swimming pool. I wont even call the cops when some drunken idiot climbs onto the roof, because that wont be happening again, right? Thanks, Sincerely, Condo number 3.

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