I cruised the internets today in search of amusing movies I hadn’t yet seen before rushing off to the video store in order to find something to watch. You  know, that video store by the bay? Yeah, that one. Today I ran across a site claiming the top ten funny movies of the year. Sigh. I should have known better when I saw that Paul Blart, Mall Cop had made the list, but instead of giving in to the insistent urging in the back of my brain, I decided to give the movie a good old-fashioned college try. I spent two hours watching this film and when it never did take that turn to relevant city and insisted on staying the course all the way to coma-town, I had to come and tell you about it. As I sat down to write my scathing review of this pointless and drab film, I noted that I still was sunburnt from a decidedly lengthy afternoon in the sun, followed by a foolish 12 minutes under the lights of a tanning bed. My Irish heritage did not bless me with any extra pigment and in order to participate in summer time activities, I’d better get a tan before I turn into burnt toast and spend the first half of the summer nursing a second degree sunburn. This is a whole lot less glamorous than it sounds. I understand the pros and cons of tanning and generally spend two or three short sessions under the lights. Yes, I know it may give me cancer but I am willing to take the risk in order to prevent another “burning of 2004″ (may a large portion of my skin, RIP.) So when I reached for my computer and felt the tightening of the skin all over my body in tense awareness of how truly scalded I had made myself, it hit me. I couldn’t write a post solely devoted to Paul Blart, I had to thoroughly explain my discomfort the only way I know how. While a sun burn that covers every inch of my body, and I do mean every inch……. is painful, excruciating at times, It wasn’t nearly as painful as Paul Blart, Mall Cop. The movie that makes me wish I were blind, and deaf. The movie that made me embarrassed to be a humor writer, the movie that made me wish you could refund FREE. Instead of writing a review of this movie I will leave you with one parting thought. If I could choose to bear the pain of a horrible sunburn on my most private of parts, or watch Paul blart, Mall Cop again……. I just have to say that the pain of this sunburn will go away much faster than the pain of Kevin James as a bumbling mall cop/single dad schmuck on a mission to save a girl who doesn’t even like him from evil 14 year old mall terrorists. But you know, if you like that sort of thing, this movie is totally for you.

Now be honest, did you watch it?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.

The days of faking a headache to get out of sex are over, and the days of engaging in healthy sexual activity have been patiently waiting in anticipation for the moral majority to accept the cold hard facts. Sex is fun and believe it or not it has a ton of other health benefits. Let’s explore.

Sex makes you sexy.

I understand how you want to avoid getting sweaty and sometimes its just too damn late, but look at it this way, having sex releases a double dose of the good stuff. Your hormones start working overtime giving your skin a lovely flush, your hair an awesome shine and strength to your fingernails. If you look sexy, you feel sexy.

Sex makes you healthy.

I try to work out in some way every day, but in case I can’t make it to the gym, I can always use the tools I have at home.  Sex ups your heart rate almost immediately and rolling around in the sheets is a hell of a lot more entertaining than sweating it out in the yoga studio. Cardiovascular benefits aside, you are also toning those muscles that need it most and burning calories faster than a Bernie Madoff can burn through your trust fund. If you feel sexy, you are going to look sexy too.

Sex makes you hot.

During naughty time, your body releases pheremones that attract potential suitors like horny little moths to the proverbial flame. For the very same reason we spritz on the perfume, your body actually creates it’s very own love potion number 9, only this one is virtually undetectable by the untrained nose. The more sex you have, the more sex you will be asked to have because of these fun-filled scents. Let’s face it so long as it isn’t uncle tom again, everyone likes being politely oggled.

Sex makes you comfortable.

Sex shouldn’t ever hurt unless that is what you are looking for and there is leather, a very specific safeword,  and a trustworthy partner involved.  Every day lovin’ without the whips and chains will actually help you more than anything and those headaches you keep faking to get out of it can be cured with just a few thrusts. Sex will dialate the blood vessels in your noggin’ releasing the pressure that makes the head ache.  Try it next time you have one of those killer migraines, get down and dirty and I bet through the huffing and puffing you forget your head hurt at all. I do it for the fun of it, I do it for the health benefits, I do it because I have a headache.I do it when my feet are cold or my nose is runny (sex can act like an antihistamine!) and I do it to cure the worst ailment of all…. Boredom.

What’s your favorite excuse to have sex?

© 2009, AntiSoccermom. All rights reserved to the original author unless stated otherwise.